Today marks the first Sunday in a long (but it feels all too short!) series of Sundays where all of America gathers around the television sets to hurl insults and curse words at large men in colorful uniforms that
probably most definitely could beat the crap out of them. And when the people of America aren’t busy suiting up in their favorite team’s jersey for the game (lest they be called in at the last second), they are undoubtedly participating in America’s second favorite pass time. “Stamp collecting?” Okay, third favorite: Fantasy Football! “What the crap is fantasy football?” WHAT THE CRAP ARE YOU DOING ON THE INTERNET IF YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT FANTASY FOOTBALL IS?! “Is that the game where people want to win money so they spin a wheel and start shouting random letters of the alphabet?” No…maybe….what? Keep reading to see a list of three things every team manager should know before risking all of their closest friendships.
Now I hope you aren’t expecting me to give you a bunch of strategies about what positions to fill and players to pick first when it comes to your leagues draft because….well let’s face it, I don’t want to give away all of my top secrets. “Meaning you suck at Fantasy Football and aren’t in a position to give any real advice anyway.” I have feelings too, ya know! *Deep breath* I am strong and wonderful and the world would miss me if I was gone. “Your therapist sucks at motivation, by the way.” I was quoting my self assertion tape, EFF WHY EYE!
Numba Wan: You Are Going to Hate All of Your Friends
At many times throughout your long and (hopefully) fruitful fantasy career, you’re going to have those you once held dearest. Some will steal your draft pick; others will tell your strategy to the league through a league newsletter. But it’s going to happen. “And your advice is?” Let the hate flooooow through you!
Numba Tu: Not-So-Nice Smack Talk Will Fly
It’s a fact. Those so-called friends who said they would always stand by you no matter what even after seeing you wearing that compromising (not to mention slightly too revealing) ballerina dress will make fun of you for picking the Dolphins defense when you could have picked the Texans. “Seriously, who does that?” I WAS HIGH ON LIFE AND MOUNTAIN DEW! “Chill, skid row, you’ve been yelling a lot in this post.” You promised you wouldn’t tell anyone about skid row….
Numba Tree: Mountain Dew is Superior to All Other Soft Drinks
I’ve got nothing else to put here, that’s just a fact. And the sooner you embrace this, the smoother your season will go.
So there you have it, three things you have to know before joining a fantasy league. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to see if my trade of dropping Drew Brees for Sam Bradford went through. “Do you watch football at all?” Like people actually have time to watch a whole game ever. They last like a million hours! Now stop making fun of me or Tebow help me I’m going to block you from the blog!