Lance Armstrong to be Stripped of Tour Medals and Banned for Life

Lance Armstrong


Look, I’m not saying that the guy cheated, but you have to admit that it’s pretty suspicious when a guy with the last name like Armstrong does so well in a leg competition.  Call me Mr. Conspiracy theorist, but, last I checked, bikes aren’t ridden with arms (unless you’re handicapped, and we all know handicapped people can’t pass drug tests).  Speaking of drugs, I had M&Ms once (the peanut kind).  Lays was right, I couldn’t eat just one.  I had like four of them and then somehow ended up in an intervention meeting for some dude who was addicted Skittles.  As if that wasn’t bad enough, Potato!  Keep reading to make fun of a guy who can’t keep his professional life and his drug life separate.

USADA maintains that Armstrong has used banned substances as far back as 1996, including the blood-booster EPO and steroids as well as blood transfusions — all to boost his performance.

Well this changes the whole meaning of the “That’s so Lance Armstrong” phrase I’ve been using for so long to illustrate those times when a human triumphs through impossible adversity.  Now it just means I gave in and did M&Ms again.  Isn’t there a limit on how long these types of things can be appealed?  I mean, the man retired like 40 years ago from a sport that 9 people care about (coming in just behind the WNBA). Give the guy a break, he has a hard enough time remembering where he left his pill container, much less where he hid the drugs.  At least we know where Michael Phelps got he idea.  But I guess this is a lesson to all of us.  When the going gets tough, just do drugs and win.




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