The Hobby Lobby on Mars Hypothesis

With all of the excitement surrounding the landing on the cat by Curiosity on Mars, I thought it would only be fit to draw out the logical conclusion of such an accomplishment.  While I thought about many different topics I could approach (discovering water, finding year round habitable areas, making Mars Attacks jokes), I found the most logical next step would be to explore the possibility of boosting the economy through the creation of jobs for America (hey, we got there first!).  Keep reading to see how you can make a one time investment of all your paychecks until you finally die for the duration of your time here on Earth/Mars and create a viable business on Mars.

So hypothetically speaking, there are several things to examine when creating random businesses on different planets, though they are not all that different from those things we would examine when starting a business here on Earth (at least, I think so from what I remember in my higher education days).  I chose Hobby Lobby completely at random and without their permission so just know they are not liable or endorsing the accuracy of any of the info I’m about to put in this article (and I’m not liable by pretending they do).  Let’s begin with an easy one.

A Tatooine Sunrise

Your Target Market

Businesses depend on money and money comes from customers.  So just how would a new Hobby Lobby store thrive on Mars?  It would be simple.  Since they can’t (or more likely, are choosing not to) take their business to the people, they will have to bring the people to the business.  So first things first, Hobby Lobby must build a commercial shuttle (that pun was totally intended, by the way, and took me a long time to come up with) that could take people to their new shiny Mars location.  The total cost of the Curiosity Mission was about 2.6 Billion dollars [SOURCE].  Given that the size of the rover was actually about the size of a car, that cost would need to increase a little bit to accomodate more customers.

Curiosity Rover Cost: 800 Million Dollars

Average Maximum Capacity of Car: 5

Estimated Number of Customers Needed Per Day: 500

Average Bus Capacity: 50

Number of Buses Per Day Needed: 10

Estimated Travel Time: 8 years (Each Way)

Number of Buses Per For Daily Operation for 16 Years: 58,400

Estimated Price for Bus Shuttle (based on Curiosity Expense): 8 Billion (800 x 10)

Total Expense for Shuttle Bus Construction: 4.672e+14

Chances that You Read All of that: 3%

“So what exactly does the ‘e’ stand for in that last number?” Beats me, I just put it into Google.  I can tell you that it is more money than any company currently has, except for maybe Zynga, but only because they make up their own money.   So the viability is already looking bleak.  But let’s not give up on Hobby Lobby just yet.  There are still a few other things to consider.

Working Hard for the Money!

In a perfect world, transactions would process instantly, there would always be money in the bank even when there wasn’t, and Rosie O’Donnell wouldn’t exist.  Unfortunately, none of those things are true, but we are most concerned about the first one in this blog (we’ll get to you later, Rosie!).

To make it simple, when payments process at any location, there is a series of electronic handshakes that take place in order to ensure that the financial data being transferred is secure so that I can’t steal it you remain protected.  Currently, the time it takes for Curiosity to send data to Earth (and back) is about 7 minutes each direction.  Assuming a three way handshake is used for the transaction, plus the amount of time for actual purchase data to cross, you’re looking at about 35 minutes per swipe of the ol’ credit card (still faster than NBC’s Olympic coverage).  Assuming there are 10 register lanes in the store and that they are all open all day, and assuming that roughly my made up 87% of the (also made up number) 500 daily customers are using credit or debit to pay, the store would need to stay open for….25.275 hours every day.  Totally doable.

Can We Be Done Already?

Fine, but you’ll miss out on my awesome analysis of other key components, such as building it there in the first place (Martian child slave newborn labor) advertising (red dirt + orange logo posters = awful color coordination), getting the merchandise the heck there in the first place (setting trends WHAAAAA?) and how to keep employees happy without McDonald’s.  Not to mention who is going to let the dogs out to go to the bathroom while the shoppers are gone.  You would have seen that viability of a Hobby Lobby on Mars was like 0.03349%.  “It isn’t higher than 0, you dummy.”  I’LL BE THE ONE MAKING UP THE NUMBERS HERE, BUDDY! But hey, if you don’t care then I’m going to kill myself I don’t either.  I’ll just leave this picture here and you can go back and check all of my math.


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